I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This toilet bowl is my home.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
