Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
