even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
