Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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