I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
