I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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