We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
