got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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