dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
