So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
