one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
