Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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