god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
