your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
