Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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