So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
