you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
