he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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