I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
