I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
