My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
