I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
