I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
