I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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