saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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