i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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