Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
