When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
