I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
