I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
