I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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