Swine flu. Run for my life!
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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