You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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