i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
