I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize