Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
