the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
