You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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