I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
