I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
