I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
