literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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