I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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