you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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