Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
what day is it and did you see me today?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
