Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
