I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
