mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
