clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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