I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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